Fragile everyday

Title yang sangat meng-controversy-kan. Sorry for mixing both bahasa(s) English and BM plus dgn bad grammar..hee! nak buat mcm mana today I ter- monologue in both languages. Btw nak kongsi cerita before off to work..oh..Today I kerja malam..hurmm soo.. ada masa utk crapping kat sini. So lama already tak tulis on this tiny whitey lil space. Sorry for being not having any ideas and busy with work  :) try to cope with life now. 

Actually today I x ada anything to pour pun.. just kesian this blog kena abandon lama sgt. Just to update some status here, I am currently pretty busy with managing life majorly emotion and mind. Everyday is a new challenge for me.. A challenge at work..itu normal.. lagi satu a challenge for me to jadi stronger and stronger.  Kadang2 I pikiaq, I must be crazy.. tiba2 dlm train otw to work pun boleh nangis (nak2 keja pagi) pastu mula jadi ngade2 update status kat twitter cakap *life would be easier if you were here* pastu kan kalau ada gossip hangat..tak tahu dah nak msg siapa ,,bila balik rumah konfius pule nak sambung gossip tu ngan siapa..sbb semua nya paling best kongsi ngn mama. SHE is the only one yg I can trust with my life.. Someone will see me through.. not just the surface.Ye la kang kongsi ngn abg kang kne pang ngn dia.. org nak main game kita sebok2 hot2 gossip pule..mmg mendapat la

Kan.. ma, adik macam dah besar...depan orang adek suka berlagak macho tp kalau adek dok rumah kalau x nangis setitik mesti tak sah. ma, hari2 adek cakap ngn mama dlm hati..if lapar adek msti tercakap.."ma lapa la ma".. kalau letih kerja lari sana sini adek termonolog.."maamaa, nak balik rumahh, letihnyee"..pastu kan ma if pms dtg adek suke marah-marah.. tp dlm byk2 org/makanan/cappucino..mama punye pujukan paling mujarab. 

Hurgh..susah beb nak get over something mcm nie.. Love ngn boyfie kita pun x kan meroyan mcm nie punya. I dunno whenn laahhh I can be strong nie.. ni angin tiup skirt labuh kita ngn rambut pun..boleh ternangis..fragile betul tahap babun! Ma, even ni mcm jiwang kan.. I really2 do miss your touch and voice..serta cara mama marah kalau adek degil, kluar malam balik before 10 pm, ckp kasar ngn abg, perli adek kalau mandi lambat.. sume sume lah.. Cuz Im so lost now.. now nak kuar mlm ke clubbing pun takde org sekat..tp ma, Im not happy life mcm nie.. adek suke mama punye sekatan and kemerajukkan. Itu yg buat life makin bereerti. 

Adek rasa sunyi sgt..even semua cakap2 ngn adek and gurau2.. deep down inside,, adek punye hati nie pecah terburai. Punyi lah empty ma.. Adek boleh tibe2 tak tahu nape nak kena kerja, nak ada cita2, nak kena kahwin..sbb dlu adek buat nie sume nak jaga mama..nak make u proud nak mama tahu mama besarkan adek sorang2 tak rugi.. adoyai.. now..dah jadi macam penantian yang x berakhir je ma..tunggu mama sbb adek tahu.. Dah diam.. Tuhan marah kang

Tapi adek ingat mama cakap dulu2.."jgn cakap macam org x beragama.. Dosa nanti, so buat apa2 kerana Allah".. takut makin hari makin jauh dari agama..harap2 tak mcm tu kalau x sia2 je duit mama anta adek gi sekola agama dulu.. so Syifa Unnur..jangan nak ngade2 emo lama2.. life is a race. 

Even adek tak tahu macam mana future adek..Adek harap semuanya dah di design perfectly. Humm..cume mcm adek kata tadi ma, EMPTYnyee hidup nie mama takde. even I try to compensate ngn benda lain to distract me,,ttp x berjaya. Ma, I will always remember how you and me used to lie down on the bed.. u taught me how to do my first signature. I was 9.. I thought every signature telah ditetapkan sejak kecil. Now I know kenapa mama gelak2 masa tu. I was so naive.. and you coloured me with your love. I love you my WORLD :)

p.s- here I am renew my promise.. to fight with negativities and to feel weak whenever I think about mama, instead when I think of mama..I should be a spiritful girl and strong! Thats how u continue surviving!Go me! Urrghh...Mamamaaa!!!